February was going to be the month that I smashed out my first Whole 30 since I had weight loss surgery.  I had a goal and I was going to smash it.
I managed about 9-10 days and then the wheels came off.  Okay I said, I will just start again.
I then managed 3 days and after a particularly intense Mindfulness & Meditation course session, my wheels not only came off but my bus hit the fucking wall and I was left staring at myself thinking “Woah, you turned into a fucking crazy woman!”.

I now know that the wall I hit was about so much more than just the Whole 30.

I’m going to be totally honest here – I was self-soothing in a way that wasn’t helpful.  Previously, I would eat.  I would placate myself with food and I would find that warm and fuzzy feeling in consuming things.  I can’t do that now so I have been looking for things to replace food with.  My first choice, even when I could eat whatever I wanted, but had guilty emotions in doing that, was to absolutely load myself up with projects and tasks.  I’ve realised I still do this – even more so than before.  Busy is how I cope.

I made myself even busier by adding obsessive food tracking and gym sessions on to my list of things THAT HAD TO BE DONE TODAY!  I was pushing myself so hard to get to what I thought was the ultimate goal.  Not just a number on the scales, not just a more than healthy BMI, not just a low body fat number … in fact, it had gone beyond that into I Don’t Even Know Land.
I was working out 5-6 days a week, more than once a day.  I was weighing and measuring everything.
But worse than that, I was admonishing myself mentally when things didn’t go to plan.  When something happened outside of my control, I would freak out.  That just ain’t right.

Look, I’ve come to realise that a lot of the time, shit happens.  Just because I want everything I do to be amazing, just because I want to be fucking shit hot at it and just because I want to succeed on the first attempt, it is not always going to work out like that.
I’ve still got lots to learn about nutrition and what my body needs post-WLS, and that’s okay.  I now a life that I can live for a lot longer and so I have time.  I also have more to learn about the thoughts inside my head and what I do and conversely, don’t need to do with them.

After my big realisation at Mindfulness, I decided I was going to find some balance.  I’ll let you in on a secret – balance, journey – fuck I loathe those words.
Anyways, I was going to live a little, have some fun, not be so rigid.  That was a few weeks ago.  I’ve drunk wine, eaten chocolate and popcorn and even half a Wendy’s cheeseburger.
Want to know what I’ve learned, found, decided?? … either way, I’m still bloody crazy.

Being all balanced and shit is actually really hard for me.
I don’t even know what “My Best Life” looks like.  Right now, I think its something like this …

• Only do it if it makes me happy.  Or if it gets me closer to one of my goals.
• If I feel anxious or apprehensive, just say no.  Having FOMO is nothing compared to anxiety or stress.
• Don’t quit, just have a rest.  Don’t feel guilty for having a quiet weekend.
• But still be generous with my time, energy and money – as long as the three above aren’t compromised.
• Stay healthy.

I know this has been a bit of a rambling post but as with a lot of my diary posts, its an opportunity for me to write it out and see if it still sits comfortably.  If I am happy to hit publish, then its definitely sitting okay.

take care of you, T x

Comments

comments